It was a real busy week at the Slim Shack, and by the weekend I was so tired that all I could do was sit on the couch and watch TV, which is something I rarely do.
But when I watch TV, it’s usually sports. And there was a whole lot of sporting going on. Soccer, hockey, baseball, horse racing, basketball, golf, boxing, tennis.
As I was flipping around, I got to thinking, which is dangerous for me because of my affliction, Attention Surplus Syndrome. You know the acronym.
As I was watching baseball, I started thinking…Why do the managers wear baseball uniforms? They look kinda silly. Why can’t they dress normal? They’re not gonna play.
Can you imagine if other coaches wore the team’s uniforms? What would Phil Jackson have looked like in a pair of basketball shorts and an undershirt? What would Bill Belichick look like in shoulder pads and tight pants?
Why do hockey players wear shorts? They’re skating on ice; wouldn’t they rather wear long pants? And why are there so many fights in hockey? Football is just as physical, and you don’t see a lot of brouhahas.
In golf, there’s not a lot of fisticuffs, but it would certainly make the game more exciting. Could you imagine seeing Phil Mickelson and Tiger Woods duke it out after a tough round?
Golfers wear some pretty colorful outfits. Why do their caddies have to wear those ugly coveralls? It’s not like they’re auto mechanics getting sprayed with grease and oil. Caddies aren’t rolling around in the mud. Can’t they wear regular clothes?
Why do tennis players have to carry their own bags on to the court? They’re weighed down with rackets and gear. Golfers have caddies carry all their clubs and golf balls. If I were a tennis pro, I’d have a roadie. Maybe call ’em a toadie. They could carry my rackets, get me some fresh balls…
I watched soccer. I saw a player fall to the ground after someone barely stepped on his toe. He was writhing in pain like he’d just caught his foot in a bear trap. Seconds later he pops up like a rabbit out of a hole and starts running at full speed like nothing happened.
There should be a penalty for that. In baseball, batters get hit regularly with 90 mph fastballs, and it’s a thing of honor for them to not even touch where they got hit. Here is what I propose to stop soccer flopping:
When a soccer player flops, he has to stand before a baseball pitcher as the pitcher hurls a fastball at the guy’s head. That might curb some of those fake injuries.
There was a big boxing match Saturday night. Boxing is a cruel sport. Two guys stand in a ring and beat the crap out of each other. Boxing is not as popular as it used to be back when Muhammad Ali and Sugar Ray Leonard were in the ring. I know how we can fix that…
Let’s combine hockey and boxing. There are so many fights in hockey, anyway. Why not combine the two? We could make a hockey game two periods instead of three.
The first period would be hockey, and in the second period, all the players would skate around the rink without sticks and slug the hell out of each other.
The team with the most players standing at the end, wins.
I grew up a few miles from where the Baltimore Orioles baseball team used to play. I’m a big fan.
I’m singing the national anthem on Wednesday, June 7th,in Baltimore, when the Orioles play the Pittsburgh Pirates. I’m truly honored. The Star-Spangled Banner was written in Baltimore by Francis Scott Key during the Battle of Baltimore in the War of 1812.
The Star-Spangled Banner makes my heart swell with pride. Seriously. But it’s a very difficult song to sing.
So, I’m thinking of writing a new national anthem, about how America declared its independence.
Maybe call it “You’re A Nation Now!”
I might have to work on the title. It doesn’t sound quite right…
Keep in touch, SlimNation. And keep smiling.
Who loves ya?
Uncle Slimmy