And Now The New News From the Slim Shack
I watched Super Bowl 52 from start to finish. I’m a football fan. My uncle took me to lots of Baltimore Colts games when I was a young kid, and I got into it, and stayed in. I mean, I’m not gonna paint my face in the team colors and go shirtless when it’s 10 below zero, but in general, I like football.
As I was watching the Super Bowl, I thought…you know, football is a lot like life. There are four quarters in American football. And there are four quarters in life.
For instance, the first quarter in life is ages 0-20. This is when you’re just figuring things out, when you’re just getting started. When you’re in the first quarter, you’re learning; you do some stupid stuff, especially when you’re a teenager.
You swallow pods of Tide detergent. You get your neck pierced with a nut and bolt. You start dating musicians…
Same in football. In the first quarter, you might make some boneheaded plays; you might throw some interceptions, make some fumbles.
In the second quarter of life, years 20-40, that’s when the fun begins. You go to college, drink beer, get married, start a career, have kids. You’re out there on the field of life, honing your talents, enjoying yourself.
Same thing in football. The second quarter is the most fun; you have a chance to see what you can do, you’ve still got plenty of time left in the game.
And then you have halftime…
In life, when halftime happens, most people lose their minds.
Men run off with secretaries, buy expensive sports cars, grow beards and get tattoos so their kids will hate them even more.
Women get nipped and tucked and suctioned and augmented and sandblasted…so much so that their own children couldn’t even pick them out of a police lineup.
Halftime in life is crazy.
Same as in football. Did anyone see Justin Timberlake at halftime? That was crazy. He ran around so much I thought maybe the IRS was after him. Or his Ex.
One second he’s backstage, then he’s on a platform lip-synching with a band dressed in red, then he’s at a white piano pretending to play, then he leaps into the stands, takes a selfie with a kid in the crowd.
And they couldn’t get the cell phone camera to work. That was the only extemporaneous thing about the whole halftime show. Everything else was staged and choreographed and planned to death.
Then Justin just jumps back on stage, and BANG, halftime was over and it was time for the third quarter of football.
The third quarter in life is ages 40-60. This is when most people realize they better get themselves together and in a hurry.
In life and in football, you gotta come up with a fresh plan for the third quarter; you take what you learned in the first half, and devise a plan to try and end up a winner.
And then you have the fourth quarter. This be ages 60-80. In football, the fourth quarter is crucial. Same as in real life. In football, you need to think quick, gain some yardage, keep focused. You gotta move fast! Time’s running out!
Now, in life, it seems to be the opposite. Why do most people in the fourth quarter move so slow? They walk slow, talk slow, drive slow. Well, except my dad. He drove like he’d just robbed a 7-11 and the cops were chasing him.
But most people in the fourth quarter, they’re not in a hurry. They’re sitting on their lead, so to speak. Which is disastrous in football.
Teams that are ahead by 20 points in the fourth quarter that sit on a lead and try not to lose rather than try to win?
They lose. Or they tie and have to go into overtime.
Overtime in life is 80-100 years old. In football, you’re just trying to make one last big score. You want to make a final touchdown and go out in a blaze of glory.
In life, it’s pretty much the same. Just give me one last magnificent moment so I can ride off into the sunset.
After the Super Bowl ended, you saw a lot of grown men crying. Guys on the losing team cried. Guys on the winning team cried.
What’s with all this man-crying going on? It’s not like they just lost their family on the Titanic. They lost a game. And even though they lost, they STILL get paid.
Each player on the winning Super Bowl team gets $112,000. The losing team gets $56,000 per player, even though they lost. What we should do in the Super Bowl is winner-take-all.
Each player on the winning teams gets $168,000 and the losing teams gets nothing.
That’ll give them something to cry about!
Keep smiling, Slimsational Slim People. And keep in touch.
Who loves ya?